“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it”
-Maya Angelou
I have Genital herpes. Whew, that was one of the hardest things that I have had to write in a long time. But at least it's out. This is what the "Cleaning Out My Closet" series and this blog is all about. I’m “baring my soul to heal yours”, It's not just something I write because it sounds good, it's what I live. So I knew when I was diagnosed that I had to tell my story with this disease. I had no idea then that my story with herpes was only just beginning. I found out a little under three years ago...
January 6, 2015
I had been bleeding which was weird seeing how I hadn't been on my period since 2007. I had My husband take pictures of the area which is how I found out there were huge gashes in my vagina. It was like chunks missing. The cuts were so big they would just bleed which is where the blood was coming from. So I wasn't on my period but I was sure this was worse. When I went to the bathroom, oh my goodness, the pain was absolutely crazy! I didn't know what was going on but we were at the doctor’s office to find out. The doctors did an examination afterward, they asked about herpes and if I had been tested. I told them yes, I always got tested for everything. The doctors asked if it was okay for them to test me then I said, “Of course.” They took a sample and we left.
January 12, 2015
My husband and I talked about other things while we waited for the doctor because I wasn't worried. My GYN walked in with the nurse and said that I had this forever disgrace, I mean, disease. Genital Herpes. The first thing I felt was this enormous amount of sorrow and guilt. I was responsible for cursing the love of my life with this disease. I had just gotten married the month before. I cried and begged for his forgiveness right in the office. Even after hearing this bad news about myself, I was still more concerned with him. As tears clouded my eyes my knight-in-shining-armor came, took my face in his hands, kissed me, said it was okay, and that he loved me. He finally convinced me that he wasn't leaving me for my transgression. I was so thankful to have him in my life.
On the way home my mind was racing through the people I had slept with and how or when this could have happened to me. Then, I started to think what if I had this for a while? What if I had infected someone else. I wrestled with insurmountable guilt, shame and depression over it for years. I could never really place a person or event. But it was obvious that I had it so someone must have given it to me.
Fast forward to a few Sundays ago. My marriage has fallen around my feet. My king turned out to be a jester. After being manipulated and mistreated for three years. I realized that he wasn't willing to change and decided that enough was enough for me to leave. Two weeks after he moved out I had a conversation with someone who challenged what I thought about the herpes situation.
"I am sorry to say this but I think he gave you Herpes?"
"What? No. You think so?"
"Yes, I do."
"Well, I am going to ask him."
So I sent him a text that said, "Did you know you had herpes before you gave it to me?" I had to ask the question that way because of prior experience. (He is known to argue semantics and manipulate his answers until you’re tired and still don’t have an answer to your question.) I thought that the response was going to be a little agitated with a hint of annoyance but I knew that he was going to say something like, "We've been through this, you gave it to me." When I spoke to him, however, his words were "And to answer your question… Yes, I knew and let you believe that you gave it to me." Instantly it felt like he took his hand and ripped my heart out through my chest! I couldn't breathe, talk, cry, or anything. It was like I was falling into a pit of creatures that were ripping my flesh from the bone. It hurt that bad! When my breath returned I pushed out the words, “That means you knew you had it before you gave it to me.” He affirmed my statement and started apologizing. It was like a knife to my heart. I was in so much pain.
I was the one that always talked about getting your partner tested. “Make it a date,” I said. “You can't tell by looking at a person,” I said. Then I was blinded by the glitz and glamour of having a “Good God-Fearing Man”. Someone who could be there for me and my son, who loved me for who I was flaws and all. A funny, kind-hearted, and intelligent gentle giant. I was thrown off guard by the excitement of finally getting what I wanted. So much so that I didn't insist on testing. I asked when the last time he was tested and he told me right before we got together and everything came back clear. ( He later claimed that I only asked about HIV.) I just knew that his love for me would allow him to tell me if there was something wrong. Just knew that if I was in harm's way he would save me, keep me from the pain, not be the one to cause it.
Why am I sharing this with you all? Because I am not the first person this has happen to and I won’t be the last. People always assume that women that have STD’s are oversexed, promiscuous, or prostitutes when most of the time that’s the furthest thing from the truth. There are some women out there that like to have fun and they should be able to if that’s what they chose to do. There are some women who were like me just being a faithful wife or girlfriend committed to one person who gets lied to and infected. Then there are some women who were dating multiple people who get lied to infected. (The same goes for men) The point is that everyone should have the right to be safe. That means people speaking up and saying their status. If you are adult enough to have sex then you should be adult enough to tell your status. It's hard and scary to have that conversation with someone especially when you are wrapped up in hormones but it can be done. If you aren’t adult enough to do these things then keep it in your pants or keep your legs closed. You should also be adult enough to know your status and protect yourself. Speaking from the place of a Black woman, who are leading the country in herpes outbreaks at 48% of all cases. When I say protecting yourself, I mean more than condoms. I mean, making sure that everyone you let inside of you has been tested either you have seen the test results or was there to hear them from the doctor's mouth. That means that you use a condom if you slip up and can’t wait. (But remember they don't offer full protection)
Pause: Okay, for those of you that are allergic to latex they do make other types of condoms. Stop using that as an excuse not to use condoms you’re not in high school anymore. For the rest of you that use the, “I don’t like the way condoms feel” mess you really aren’t going to like it when your genitals split wide open. You’re not on your period but the gashes ( Yes, I said gashes.) in your genitals are running blood. (That includes the men) You will pray and beg to go back in time to use that thin membrane to protect yourself from the pain. Pain that racks your physical and emotional being. That condom doesn't feel so uncomfortable now, does it?
I want those of you out there who don't know your status to get tested. Demand that they test you if you have to because this is not only about your life but those around you. Herpes is something that doesn't go away and can be passed to your children. I want those who know they don't have it to protect yourself from everyone, not just men you can get it from a woman. And I want those who do have it to protect those around you treat the people you sleep with as if they are your loved ones how would you want someone to treat you. To know you aren't alone, I understand and literally feel your pain. Even though we have this it doesn't have to have us. We can rise above this and find love. The right person will love all of you. Believe it, receive it, know it.
I can get through this. You can get through this. We can get through this and we will. There is still fun to be had. There are support groups both in person and online. If there isn't one in your area then be the change you want to see in the world, start one. There are also STD coaches and counselors that will help you work out feelings and emotions as well give you tips on different topics. Herpes is the most common STD but it's like no one cares. So those who have it and those who care not to get it start making some noise to the people in high places. Because we not only need a cure, we need resources and research towards prevention, and we need better testing practices!
I have herpes and it's bad. The way that I got it was horrible. Did it fracture my trust for people? Absolutely. Did it make it harder for me to have romantic relationships? Probably. Does it make me upset that I will have to disclose this to anyone before getting sexual with them? Sometimes, but I am working on forgiveness. Forgiveness for the man that gave it to me but mostly forgiveness for myself. I blame myself for being so naive and trusting in allowing this to happen to me. "I should have..." Is what I say. When the truth is what happened, has happened. The more time I spend on the past action and the people who caused it the less time I have to spend on healing from it. Besides stress causes outbreaks and the person who infected you is most likely not worth it.
Pause: Okay, for those of you that are allergic to latex they do make other types of condoms. Stop using that as an excuse not to use condoms you’re not in high school anymore. For the rest of you that use the, “I don’t like the way condoms feel” mess you really aren’t going to like it when your genitals split wide open. You’re not on your period but the gashes ( Yes, I said gashes.) in your genitals are running blood. (That includes the men) You will pray and beg to go back in time to use that thin membrane to protect yourself from the pain. Pain that racks your physical and emotional being. That condom doesn't feel so uncomfortable now, does it?
I want those of you out there who don't know your status to get tested. Demand that they test you if you have to because this is not only about your life but those around you. Herpes is something that doesn't go away and can be passed to your children. I want those who know they don't have it to protect yourself from everyone, not just men you can get it from a woman. And I want those who do have it to protect those around you treat the people you sleep with as if they are your loved ones how would you want someone to treat you. To know you aren't alone, I understand and literally feel your pain. Even though we have this it doesn't have to have us. We can rise above this and find love. The right person will love all of you. Believe it, receive it, know it.
I can get through this. You can get through this. We can get through this and we will. There is still fun to be had. There are support groups both in person and online. If there isn't one in your area then be the change you want to see in the world, start one. There are also STD coaches and counselors that will help you work out feelings and emotions as well give you tips on different topics. Herpes is the most common STD but it's like no one cares. So those who have it and those who care not to get it start making some noise to the people in high places. Because we not only need a cure, we need resources and research towards prevention, and we need better testing practices!
I have herpes and it's bad. The way that I got it was horrible. Did it fracture my trust for people? Absolutely. Did it make it harder for me to have romantic relationships? Probably. Does it make me upset that I will have to disclose this to anyone before getting sexual with them? Sometimes, but I am working on forgiveness. Forgiveness for the man that gave it to me but mostly forgiveness for myself. I blame myself for being so naive and trusting in allowing this to happen to me. "I should have..." Is what I say. When the truth is what happened, has happened. The more time I spend on the past action and the people who caused it the less time I have to spend on healing from it. Besides stress causes outbreaks and the person who infected you is most likely not worth it.
One breath, one step, one day at a time.
Baring my soul to heal yours.
Cherlnell Lane
If you have questions please also check out Part 2, which is an interview with an STD Coach.
