Cleaning Out My Closet: Having A Child With A Mental Disorder

Noise In My Head

By: Cherlnell Lane

 

Clang, bang, clink, chink, boom! Loudly explodes through the silence, interrupting my thoughts. Peace has been at a constant distance in this house as of late and it seems as if tonight is no exception. I transfer from my bed to my wheelchair. The creaking of my knees gives a voice to my pain, as I wait patiently for the two seconds it takes for my chair come on and “race” to the living room.

 

When I turn the corner I am face to face with exactly what I thought I would be, a meltdown. My walkers are face down, tangled together, and my son is beating them with a chair. I saw his thoughts racing back and forth between the walls of his head like ping pong balls.

 

‘There is another name of that game? Oh, yea “table tennis.” My memory has been horrible. My mind has been so gone lately but not as gone as his or maybe they are the same just in different ways. He can remember more than I but I stay more sane than him. Is that the way you would say that more sane,  saner, sanier, hell, I didn’t know. We both are Bipolar. However, I have never been hospitalized  or as angry as he.’

 

“Hey, baby?”

 

Puff, puff. Smoke billowed from flared nostrils like a dragon in a cave. I remember the first time I saw that look. He was in preschool and usually a very funny, mild-mannered little boy.  But this particular time they called me down to the school, he was red with his nostrils flaring, little twists swinging, throwing tables and chairs. I was thinking, "What happened to my baby, why is he so angry?" The teachers wanted to kick him out. They said that he was uncontrollable. I pleaded with them and they let him stay.

 

Clang, Clang, Clang! Brought me back to real life. There is a moment when you are coming out of a daydream but you can't yet see reality. In that moment I was wishing, hoping, and praying that I would not come back to where I had left from. However, when my eyes focused there were my walkers intertwined, banged up, on the floor, and again being beaten with a metal chair.

 

“What’s wrong James?”

 

Bang, bang, bang, with the chair.

“James!”

 

I bring my voice up firmly where he could hear me, trying to get his attention. He threw a chair. Boom! I flinched. He then started to walk back and forth like a bull caught in a cage. Only the cage was the inner workings of his mind. My walkers blocking my way to get to him, just like the voices in his head.

 

‘The voices were new to me, but probably not to him. I kind of figured that he was hearing them a while ago, but I didn't want to bring them up. I didn’t want to put the idea in his head and I guess, I didn't want it to be true. I remember the first time he told me. He was really scared. Like then I knew if I could only touch him, ease his mind, he would be okay but like the barbed wire around the State Pen his anger kept me away.’

 

Huff, huff, his breathing brought me back to reality. I could hear the rattle in his chest.

 

‘I knew exactly what it was, his anger.  His brain was holding his anger hostage because it doesn’t allow him to let his anger show. That is a trait inbred by years of watching me. Letting people walk over me and not saying a thing. Not letting people know when they have hurt me, in turn hurting myself and being abused by people I loved and trusted. Being the scapegoat when people who are down want to bring other people down.  I always turned the other cheek and he was there with a front row seat.’

 

Ring, ring, I’d forgotten that I had called the number to mental health. Since he has behaved like he should to go to the hospital and probably needs to go, I will make the executive decision.

“Hello, mental health how may I help you?”

‘Can you fix my son? Make him the way he used to be before the voices got to him, telling him how to live.’  I say in my head never letting the words leave my lips. Instead: “My son needs to go to the hospital. He is being very aggressive. He is throwing chairs and destroying property. I am afraid for his safety."

 

Bomp! Bomp! His fists go into the wall. Whew! I am glad that he didn’t make a hole this time.

 

“Okay, Miss you said would you like for him to go to the hospital?”

 

Time stops and thoughts race thru my head. Does he really Have to go to the hospital? Do I really want him away from me again? Away from home? Is this going to help or hinder him?'

 

I look up and he is still pacing.  Looking as if any minute he is going to run out of that door into the middle of “Chiraq” and become another statistic. That was one of his old standards, running away. He would leave the house and sometimes run out of the school.  You see, He is too big to be seen as the baby he is. Someone who sees him barreling down the street mad at the world might try to harm him, before getting harmed. Pop, Pop, Pop! Goes off in the background letting me know just how true that statement is.

 

“Yes, ma’am he needs to go to the hospital.”

 

“Okay well someone will be there within two hours.”

 

‘Great." I think then I hear it tick-tock, tick-tock. 'How I am going to contain this boy for two hours. Then another two until the ambulance comes.' I look through the pie window and he has seemed to calm down, somewhat. 

“Okay, thank you,” I say and hang up the phone.

 

I roll out of the kitchen with my “everything’s okay” face. I want him to know that everything will be fine but at the same time I want to make sure that he doesn’t think that I am making light of his situation. When I look up, I see his face and his eyes look tortured. The pain he feels is palpitating it's like the pulse in the room matching my heartbeat thump, thump, thump! It wasn’t fast but was steady and dang if I couldn’t feel it in my throat.  It makes me “Cough, cough!”

 

“You’re trying to send me away?” James says.

 

“No. Mama is not trying to send you away. I just want to make sure you get all the help that you need.” I reply.

 

“I don’t need help.”

 

“We all need help sometimes James.”

 

“That’s all you know how to do is call mental health! I’ll just leave if you want me to go so bad!”

 

He jumps up and starts putting on his shoes. Boom boom, boom boom, boom boom, goes my heart beating out of my chest.

 

“Why don’t you go to Davon’s house?”  The words coming rushing through my lips.

 

There was a flash of remembrance on his face. 'He loved being with his friend, a boy in the building who suffers a form of autism. James and Davon were both wildly intelligent which made them perfect playmates. They got each other. As single mothers of special needs children, Tracy (Davon’s mother) and I helped out when the other one needed it. Now was one of those times.' 

 

“You and Davon could play with his Xbox.”

 

He sat there pondering the thought and I saw the anger slowly drain from his face. Then in a quiet voice, he said, “yeah, okay.”  I told him he could go as long as he took off his gym shoes and put on his slippers. As he walked to the back and accomplished his task I called Tracy. When Tracy answered I could hear the smile in her voice as she said hello. I explained to her the situation and she said, of course, he could come up. Even though we both knew the script of what to do whenever either boy was in crisis. I went through some key points before James made it back down the hall. I informed her that he was not to go outside and he could only have one sweet treat. By the time I hung up the phone James was at my side with a basketball.  I told him that he couldn't take the ball with him. He held on tight and asked why. I was sure that a storm was brewing but being quick on my feet I said,

 

"You guys are going to be in the house remember, that means that you won't be able to play with it."

 

Then I waited with baited breath as he said "okay" and put the ball back. On his way back he looked at me and smiled.'I held on to his smiles like the treasures they were. They were becoming further and further apart. They were like endangered species; when spotted the onlookers watched in awe as they take in what only a few people get to see.' I took the chance and reached for him. He came towards me and we hugged. I breathed a sigh of relief and smelled his hair. It had been forever since I was this close to him. I wanted to savor the moment, but I knew that it would make things weird if I hung on to him for dear life. So when he let go so did I and waved goodbye as he walked out of the door.

 

While I waited for mental health services to come, I took pictures of his room and bathroom, which were a mess.  I took pictures of the living room, and how he left it. I started to clean it up the best way I could. As I untangled the walkers, I thought about the first time he went to the hospital...

 

'He was in second grade and we arguing about something.  It hurts that I can't even remember what the argument was about. He screamed then ran into the bathroom then shut, and locked the door. I asked him to come out he said, “no.” I could hear the tears in his voice. So I stayed by that door and tried to get him to come out. Then he said the words that would forever change our lives.  “I am going to drink this bleach and die!” I used my mom issued x-ray vision and saw it through the door, the bleach was sitting behind the toilet, on the floor. I immediately called a neighbor who luckily was able to break into the room as James was putting the bottle to his lips.'

 

Buzzz!  Buzzz!

 

'That must be Mental Health.' I thought as I buzzed the person in. I called Tracy and told her to come down.  I took one last look at the kitchen and living room before opening the door.

 

"Hello," I said before looking at this little woman with a sour face. "Come in." The woman introduced herself as Ms. Thomas,  walked in took a look around and asked where was the client. “He's with a neighbor right now but they are on the way down.”

 

"You trust someone else with him like this?" She asked with a side eye that said either I didn't know what I was doing or I was lying about his behavior. I was sure neither of those things was true but to help her understand I answered,  "She also has a special needs son so she is experienced with what to do? " Ms. Thomas chuckled then sat down, began to take out papers, and then asked,

 

"So Ms. Phillips what is the reason I am here today? "

 

"Well, my son had a really bad episode this evening. He was throwing and destroying furniture. He couldn't control himself. He's in so much mental/emotional pain. I also believe that he wanted to just run away"

 

"You believe or know Ms. Phillips?"

 

"Well,  there is no way that I could know what he is thinking, however, I could make a pretty good guess that that is what he wanted to do. "

 

The woman smirked,  rolled her eyes, and said; "And how is that, Ms. Phillips?"

"Because he has done it before and this is how it starts with the destructive episodes. He gets a certain look on his face and the look on his face is one I've seen before. " I stated while crossing my arms.

 

Knock knock. I was never so happy to hear a knock at the door in my life. I was becoming frustrated with Ms. Thomas. I opened the door so quickly that Tracy almost fell into the apartment.

 

"Dang girl is everything okay?" I gave her the secret look, fixed my face, then turned to introduce everyone to Ms. Thomas. Tracy left and gave me an "I'm sorry" look. James and I went through the interviewing process that Mental Health has to determine whether or not James needed to go to the hospital. When we reached the end Ms. Thomas looked at me and asked what I thought should happen. I told her that again that  I felt that he should be hospitalized.

 

Tap, tap, tap went her pen on the paper. Just when I was about to say something about the tapping she asked, why. I told her because if he didn’t go to the hospital his episodes would heighten until he was somehow hurt. Like they always do.

 

"No one else has had a problem admitting him" I stated.

 

"That is what I mean Ms. Phillips. You basically keep using a method that isn't working. What do you plan on doing in the long run? I mean you want me to send him to the hospital but they aren't helping in the long run. "

Now I was mad, I wanted to know if she felt the hospital couldn't treat him, then how was I? Right before I was about to explain this to Ms. Thomas in a not so nice manner I heard. Scratch. Scratch.

 

James is playing with his car set. I smile because he's using the car with three wheels. Even though I kept telling him not to use it because it will mess up the track he insists on using it.  He says that it is his favorite one and that it's not the car’s fault that it only has three wheels. He would look at me with that smile and say, "That's what makes it special. " I look at my baby boy and tears come to my eyes but I dare not let them fall. I have to be strong.

 

I look at Ms. Thomas and say, "Ma'am I am sure all of those things are true but what would you have me do? I'm in a wheelchair and he's 5:10 and 350lbs. I can't stop him when he has crossed the line. You as a mental health professional know without a shadow of a doubt that once those voices in his head take over if I get in his way we will both end up hurt. Or at least one of us...  Look, I am putting together his application, to get the funds, to go to a residential center. I am just waiting for his doctors to get done with some testing. Meanwhile, how do I handle him when even you agree that James has issues that need to be dealt with professionally? This is what I know to do when something like this happens. I know to get him somewhere safe. So, do what you’re going to do? "

 

"Uhhhh. Well, I will send him this time. However, you have to make sure that he gets into a long-term program. " She pulled more paperwork out of her bag and began to fill it out.

 

"Sigh." I started to rub my head because by now I have a headache that is kicking my butt. I answer the questions and sign on the dotted line. Then Ms. Thomas asked me if I  was going to be able to go with him to the hospital. I told her no. She asked why and I said, “Because I am in a wheelchair and it won't fit on the ambulance.” She looked at me and said that the ambulance will be there in about an hour and thirty minutes. I thanked her and she left.

 

Zzzzzzz. Zzzzz. I hear it loudly but with us talking it was inaudible. Now it reminds me of a sleeping lion so majestic yet dangerous. I leave him in his relaxed state, while I go to pack his things. I wake him up as the paramedics are coming up the stairs. I tell James that he was going to the hospital. He looks at me defeated, nods then put on his shoes and jacket.  He gives me a hug when they put him on the stretcher. Click, click, click they seatbelt him in. Then they take him away, through the hallway, down on the elevator, and out of the building. As I look at him out of the window he looks up at me.

 

Pop,  Click. I close and lock the door.  

 

Click... Click... Click... I cut off the lights in the kitchen, living room and my bedroom.  Tears threaten to leave my body but I struggled to hold them in.

As I transferred from my wheelchair to my bed, I instantly hear his voice asking me to sing our song. So I did: "You are my sonshine, my lovely sonshine, you make me happy when skies are gray. " As I sung the song the whole night flashed before my eyes and the tears came pouring down.  They fell for seeing my baby in various states; Twists swinging throwing desks, trying to swallow bleach in a  locked bathroom, and banging walkers with chairs.  For the visual of them putting him on a stretcher and locking him down. For him looking at me, his eyes saying save me and me not being able to do anything. I am crying from my soul, loud and dry heaving! And in the midst of that... "You know I always love you forever so please don't take my sunshine away.”

The Interview: Cleaning Out My Closet: Herpes

This interview was made to accompany the blog entry', Cleaning Out my Closet: Herpes http://cherlnell.com/the-infinite-evolution-of-life-learning-and-love/cleaning-out-my-closet-herpes

 

Cleaning Out My Closet (Herpes) The Interview

With Belize Samuel

 

Cherlnell: Hello, can you tell us who you are and what makes you qualified to answer these questions?

Belize: My name is Belize Spivey aka Belize Samuel. I am STD Life Coach. I help African American women overcome the stigma of herpes. I overcame the stigma of herpes 7 years ago. I had the desire to help other women do the same. I have a Master of Art in Human Service Counseling.

 

Cherlnell: Are you a doctor?

Belize: No, I am not a Doctor.

 

Cherlnell: What is Herpes and how do symptoms present for males vs females?

Belize: Herpes is a Sexual Transmitted Disease, transmitted through skin to skin contact such as kissing, oral, vaginal, and anal intercourse. Men and Women symptoms are the same just varies person to person. Herpes symptoms consist of itching, burning, discharge, sores, blisters, cuts, pimples, aching body, flu-like symptoms, swollen lymph nodes in the neck or groin, or no symptoms at all.

 

Cherlnell: When do symptoms present and how long can herpes lay dormant before an outbreak?

Belize: Herpes symptoms can arise as early as 2-21 days. The virus can lie dormant for years without being triggered. Some individual never have an outbreak but received a herpes diagnosis through an std screening blood test.

 

Cherlnell: There are some symptoms that don’t present as textbook. What are some symptoms you should look out for other than blisters? When you look online and even in books you can’t find any pictures of herpes outbreaks on African Americans. What can we look for on our dark skin for outbreaks because it’s different?

Belize: You’re so correct it's not likely to find a picture of African American with herpes outbreak on the internet. I have learned over the years that outbreaks looks different on each person. An outbreak can appear as a thin cut, pimple, rash, ulcers, or cluster of blisters or fine pimples. I want people to know an outbreak is more than just blisters it's any of the symptoms I stated earlier as well.

Cherlnell: How do you test for Herpes genital/oral? Is there another way other than the swab? And can you request it even if you don’t have an outbreak?

Belize: Herpes is tested by a swab and blood test. The swab is used when an outbreak is present. The blood is best when you don't have any herpes symptoms. You can go into your doctor's office and ask for Herpes test. Just know many doctors discourage you from getting a test without an outbreak. Ask to know your status anyway. Many people assume that they’re receiving a herpes test in a standard std panel. Herpes isn't included in the panel for every doctor office. Many should ask for it by name, such as herpes or HSV.

 

Cherlnell: Can you contract oral herpes from genital herpes and vice versa?

Belize: You can contract herpes from oral, genital, and/ or anal. It can be transmitted from any of this area when an outbreak is present in your mouth or genital areas.

 

Cherlnell: Is there any other ways to contract genital herpes other than sex? Can you get it from a toilet seat?

Belize: You can not contract herpes from towels or toilets. The chance of contracting from drinking from someone with an active outbreak is very low but possible.

 

Cherlnell: Can someone with herpes donate blood?

Belize: You can give blood or plasma if you have herpes.

 

Cherlnell: Is there a cure for herpes?

Belize: Currently it's no fully documented herpes cure. I believe there is a cure already present but not fully documented for everyone to easily find or afford.

Cherlnell: What are the different methods of treatment?

Belize: Suppressive treatment is when you have outbreaks often, you may want to consider taking an antiviral drug every day. The medication available is acyclovir (Zovirax), and valacyclovir (Valtrex). The holistic or natural treatment is using herbs and essential oils to reduce outbreaks.

Cherlnell: What are some treatments out there that you should watch out for?

Belize: These two treatments are mostly used. It's completely determined by the individual. I recommend that the individual do what works best for them.

 

Cherlnell: What puts your partner more at risk before, during, or after an outbreak?

Belize: Your partner is at risk before because you’re not aware that outbreak is active. During an outbreak, because the outbreak is fully active and present. Your partner is at a lower risk after because you will wait until all symptoms are cleared up before having sexual intercourse again. I stress that you always pay attention to your triggers to reduce any outbreaks. Also knowing your symptoms that you experience when an outbreak coming on. You can reduce your transmission.

 

Cherlnell: What’s the best way to have oral sex with someone who’s infected with genital herpes? Or to perform it if you have oral?

Belize: The best want to have oral sex with herpes is to prevent receiving or performing when you have an outbreak or any symptoms. You can use dental dam or condoms to reduce transmission as well. If you and your partner agree not to use protection just make sure he/she understand the risk.

 

Cherlnell: What’s the best way to ask your partner their status or to get tested?

Belize: The best way to ask your partner status is before any sexual activity including kissing. It makes it easier to have the conservation before anything has happened between you two. You can simply ask when was the last time you were tested. It's an uncomfortable conversation and time is never right. So take the opportunity when you two are getting to know each other.

Cherlnell: When and how should you reveal your status to a potential partner?

Belize: First I will say sharing your status is one of the main fears for individuals living with herpes. This is the reason many people struggle with living with herpes. I recommend disclosing when you’re clear a relationship is being established or you’re sexually interested in that person. You don't have to share when you don't want a relationship or have sex with that person. The best way to share your status is: I want to share with you something that happen in my past. Don't ever say I want to tell you something. The word tell has developed a bad new alert. Then say I contracted herpes or HSV when (tell your story how you contracted the virus). You always want to share your story. People connect with stories and it helps kill the stigma associated with herpes.

Cherlnell: What is the biggest misconception associated with herpes?

Belize: The misconception of individuals living with herpes is he/she is Promiscuous. So not true at all. Most of the individuals that contract herpes are in relationships.

Cherlnell: What is something you think every person without herpes should know about herpes and people who have it?/ Every person with it?

Belize: I want people to know that herpes is very common and not included in the std panel. I want individuals living with herpes that it's not the end of the world.

Cherlnell: How can people get in touch with you and find out more about the work you do?

Belize: Check out my social media platforms YouTube: Belize Samuel, IG: Belize.Samuel and Facebook: Belize Samuel

Thanks for allowing me to share about herpes today. I hope I give someone hope to live on and to protect themselves.

Cleaning Out My Closet: Herpes

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it”

-Maya Angelou

I have Genital herpes. Whew, that was one of the hardest things that I have had to write in a long time. But at least it's out. This is what the "Cleaning Out My Closet" series and this blog is all about. I’m “baring my soul to heal yours”, It's not just something I write because it sounds good, it's what I live. So I knew when I was diagnosed that I had to tell my story with this disease. I had no idea then that my story with herpes was only just beginning. I found out a little under three years ago...

January 6, 2015

I had been bleeding which was weird seeing how I hadn't been on my period since 2007. I had My husband take pictures of the area which is how I found out there were huge gashes in my vagina. It was like chunks missing. The cuts were so big they would just bleed which is where the blood was coming from. So I wasn't on my period but I was sure this was worse. When I went to the bathroom, oh my goodness, the pain was absolutely crazy!  I didn't know what was going on but we were at the doctor’s office to find out. The doctors did an examination afterward, they asked about herpes and if I had been tested.  I told them yes, I always got tested for everything.  The doctors asked if it was okay for them to test me then I said, “Of course.”  They took a sample and we left.  

January 12, 2015

My husband and I talked about other things while we waited for the doctor because I wasn't worried. My GYN walked in with the nurse and said that I had this forever disgrace, I mean, disease. Genital Herpes. The first thing I felt was this enormous amount of sorrow and guilt.  I was responsible for cursing the love of my life with this disease. I had just gotten married the month before. I cried and begged for his forgiveness right in the office. Even after hearing this bad news about myself, I was still more concerned with him. As tears clouded my eyes my knight-in-shining-armor came, took my face in his hands, kissed me, said it was okay, and that he loved me. He finally convinced me that he wasn't leaving me for my transgression. I was so thankful to have him in my life.
 

On the way home my mind was racing through the people I had slept with and how or when this could have happened to me. Then, I started to think what if I had this for a while? What if I had infected someone else. I wrestled with insurmountable guilt, shame and depression over it for years. I could never really place a person or event. But it was obvious that I had it so someone must have given it to me.

Fast forward to a few Sundays ago. My marriage has fallen around my feet. My king turned out to be a jester. After being manipulated and mistreated for three years. I  realized that he wasn't willing to change and decided that enough was enough for me to leave. Two weeks after he moved out I had a conversation with someone who challenged what I thought about the herpes situation.

"I am sorry to say this but I think he gave you Herpes?"
"What? No. You think so?"
"Yes, I do."
"Well, I am going to ask him."

So I sent him a text that said, "Did you know you had herpes before you gave it to me?" I had to ask the question that way because of prior experience. (He is known to argue semantics and manipulate his answers until you’re tired and still don’t have an answer to your question.)  I thought that the response was going to be a little agitated with a hint of annoyance but I knew that he was going to say something like, "We've been through this, you gave it to me." When I spoke to him, however, his words were "And to answer your question… Yes, I knew and let you believe that you gave it to me." Instantly it felt like he took his hand and ripped my heart out through my chest! I couldn't breathe, talk, cry, or anything. It was like I was falling into a pit of creatures that were ripping my flesh from the bone. It hurt that bad! When my breath returned I pushed out the words, “That means you knew you had it before you gave it to me.” He affirmed my statement and started apologizing. It was like a knife to my heart. I was in so much pain.

I was the one that always talked about getting your partner tested. “Make it a date,” I said. “You can't tell by looking at a person,” I said. Then I was blinded by the glitz and glamour of having a “Good God-Fearing Man”. Someone who could be there for me and my son, who loved me for who I was flaws and all. A funny, kind-hearted, and intelligent gentle giant. I was thrown off guard by the excitement of finally getting what I wanted. So much so that I didn't insist on testing. I asked when the last time he was tested and he told me right before we got together and everything came back clear. ( He later claimed that I only asked about HIV.) I just knew that his love for me would allow him to tell me if there was something wrong. Just knew that if I was in harm's way he would save me, keep me from the pain, not be the one to cause it.

Why am I sharing this with you all? Because I am not the first person this has happen to and I won’t be the last. People always assume that women that have STD’s are oversexed, promiscuous, or prostitutes when most of the time that’s the furthest thing from the truth. There are some women out there that like to have fun and they should be able to if that’s what they chose to do. There are some women who were like me just being a faithful wife or girlfriend committed to one person who gets lied to and infected. Then there are some women who were dating multiple people who get lied to infected. (The same goes for men) The point is that everyone should have the right to be safe. That means people speaking up and saying their status. If you are adult enough to have sex then you should be adult enough to tell your status. It's hard and scary to have that conversation with someone especially when you are wrapped up in hormones but it can be done. If you aren’t adult enough to do these things then keep it in your pants or keep your legs closed. You should also be adult enough to know your status and protect yourself. Speaking from the place of a Black woman, who are leading the country in herpes outbreaks at 48% of all cases. When I say protecting yourself, I mean more than condoms. I mean, making sure that everyone you let inside of you has been tested either you have seen the test results or was there to hear them from the doctor's mouth. That means that you use a condom if you slip up and can’t wait. (But remember they don't offer full protection)  

Pause: Okay, for those of you that are allergic to latex they do make other types of condoms. Stop using that as an excuse not to use condoms you’re not in high school anymore. For the rest of you that use the, “I don’t like the way condoms feel” mess you really aren’t going to like it when your genitals split wide open. You’re not on your period but the gashes ( Yes, I said gashes.) in your genitals are running blood. (That includes the men) You will pray and beg to go back in time to use that thin membrane to protect yourself from the pain. Pain that racks your physical and emotional being. That condom doesn't feel so uncomfortable now, does it?

I want those of you out there who don't know your status to get tested. Demand that they test you if you have to because this is not only about your life but those around you. Herpes is something that doesn't go away and can be passed to your children. I want those who know they don't have it to protect yourself from everyone, not just men you can get it from a woman. And I want those who do have it to protect those around you treat the people you sleep with as if they are your loved ones how would you want someone to treat you. To know you aren't alone, I understand and literally feel your pain. Even though we have this it doesn't have to have us. We can rise above this and find love. The right person will love all of you. Believe it, receive it, know it.

I can get through this. You can get through this. We can get through this and we will. There is still fun to be had. There are support groups both in person and online. If there isn't one in your area then be the change you want to see in the world, start one. There are also STD coaches and counselors that will help you work out feelings and emotions as well give you tips on different topics. Herpes is the most common STD but it's like no one cares. So those who have it and those who care not to get it start making some noise to the people in high places. Because we not only need a cure, we need resources and research towards prevention, and we need better testing practices!
 

I have herpes and it's bad. The way that I got it was horrible. Did it fracture my trust for people? Absolutely. Did it make it harder for me to have romantic relationships? Probably. Does it make me upset that I will have to disclose this to anyone before getting sexual with them? Sometimes, but I am working on forgiveness. Forgiveness for the man that gave it to me but mostly forgiveness for myself. I blame myself for being so naive and trusting in allowing this to happen to me. "I should have..." Is what I say. When the truth is what happened, has happened. The more time I spend on the past action and the people who caused it the less time I have to spend on healing from it. Besides stress causes outbreaks and the person who infected you is most likely not worth it.

Pause: Okay, for those of you that are allergic to latex they do make other types of condoms. Stop using that as an excuse not to use condoms you’re not in high school anymore. For the rest of you that use the, “I don’t like the way condoms feel” mess you really aren’t going to like it when your genitals split wide open. You’re not on your period but the gashes ( Yes, I said gashes.) in your genitals are running blood. (That includes the men) You will pray and beg to go back in time to use that thin membrane to protect yourself from the pain. Pain that racks your physical and emotional being. That condom doesn't feel so uncomfortable now, does it?

I want those of you out there who don't know your status to get tested. Demand that they test you if you have to because this is not only about your life but those around you. Herpes is something that doesn't go away and can be passed to your children. I want those who know they don't have it to protect yourself from everyone, not just men you can get it from a woman. And I want those who do have it to protect those around you treat the people you sleep with as if they are your loved ones how would you want someone to treat you. To know you aren't alone, I understand and literally feel your pain. Even though we have this it doesn't have to have us. We can rise above this and find love. The right person will love all of you. Believe it, receive it, know it.

I can get through this. You can get through this. We can get through this and we will. There is still fun to be had. There are support groups both in person and online. If there isn't one in your area then be the change you want to see in the world, start one. There are also STD coaches and counselors that will help you work out feelings and emotions as well give you tips on different topics. Herpes is the most common STD but it's like no one cares. So those who have it and those who care not to get it start making some noise to the people in high places. Because we not only need a cure, we need resources and research towards prevention, and we need better testing practices!
 

I have herpes and it's bad. The way that I got it was horrible. Did it fracture my trust for people? Absolutely. Did it make it harder for me to have romantic relationships? Probably. Does it make me upset that I will have to disclose this to anyone before getting sexual with them? Sometimes, but I am working on forgiveness. Forgiveness for the man that gave it to me but mostly forgiveness for myself. I blame myself for being so naive and trusting in allowing this to happen to me. "I should have..." Is what I say. When the truth is what happened, has happened. The more time I spend on the past action and the people who caused it the less time I have to spend on healing from it. Besides stress causes outbreaks and the person who infected you is most likely not worth it.

One breath, one step, one day at a time.

Baring my soul to heal yours.

Cherlnell Lane

 

If you have questions please also check out Part 2, which is an interview with an STD Coach.

http://www.cherlnell.com/the-infinite-evolution-of-life-learning-and-love/the-interview-cleaning-out-my-closet-herpes

 

 

COMC: Suicide Interview

Originally Published October 15, 2017

For my Cleaning Out My Closet Series (COMC) I wanted to make sure that I could help others going through the things that I am going through. So I will include an interview by a professional in the topic of discussion after each COMC entry.

Cleaning Out My Closet: Suicide Interview

Q: Hi and thanks for helping me out today. Tell me who you are and why you know so much about this topic?

A: A Mental Health Professional (prefer not to give a name)

Q: Is it just people who suffer from mental disorders that are affected by committing suicide or suicidal thoughts?

A: No suicide is not a mental illness.  I think it can be anyone that feels hopeless and discouraged and can't at the time find a remedy to ease the pain.

Q: What type of things can make a person suicidal?

A: Hurt, Disappointment, Hopelessness, Sickness, Pain, Not able to cope with the pressure of life. 

Q: What can a person who is suicidal do to help themselves get through those crucial moments?

A: Seek professional help or help from a friend or relative.

 

Q: What are some signs that will show that a loved one may be suicidal?

A: Isolation, depression, Self-harm behavior, Withdrawal, hopelessness, and Excessive sadness

 

Q: How do you go about finding a mental health professional?

A: You can call 911 and DHS or you can go to the nearest emergency room.

 

Q: Are there any hotlines or websites you can recommend?

A: HOTLINES:

National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433) or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Both toll-free, 24-hour, confidential hotlines which connect you to a trained counselor at the nearest suicide crisis center.

Safe Place: 1-888-290-7233

Project Safe Place provides access to immediate help and supportive resources for young people in crisis through a network of qualified agencies, trained volunteers, and businesses in 32 states. Call the hotline to find out if the program operates in your state, or look online.

 

National Alliance of the Mentally Ill: 1-800-950-6264

Toll-free, confidential hotline operating Mon.-Fri., 10 am- 6 pm (EST). Trained volunteers provide information, referrals, and support to anyone with questions about mental illness.

 

Q: Are there support groups that suicidal people or their loved ones can attend?

A: Batavia

Name of Group: Survivors of Suicide

Suicide Prevention Services

528 S. Batavia Ave.

Batavia, IL 60510

Contact Person: Stephanie Weber

(630) 482-9696

Meetings per Month: One

Fee: No

Carbondale

Name: Suicide Grief Support Group

Unitarian Fellowship building

105 N. Parrish Lane

Carbondale, IL 62901

Contact Person: Judy Ashby, MS, LCPC

(618) 549-5578

OR

Bill Sasso

(618) 529-2439

Meetings per Month: One - Second Tuesday at 7:30-9:00 p.m.

Fee: No

Centralia

Name: Survivors of Suicide

Centralia Ray of Hope

Irvin Funeral Home

PO Box 1155

Centralia, IL 62801

Contact Person: Greg Williams

(618) 532-5512

Meetings per Month: One

Fee: No

Chicago

Name of Group: Survivors of Suicide

Catholic Charities / LOSS Program

651 W. Lake St.

Chicago, IL 60661

Contact Person: Bruce Engle

(312) 655-7283

Loss Line 8:30 a.m - 4:30 p.m. (M-F)

Meetings per Month: One

Meetings held in different locations throughout Cook, Lake, Will, and DuPage counties. Children/teen monthly groups also available.

Website: www.catholiccharities.net/loss

Fee: No

 

Chicago

Name of Group: LGBTQ Survivors of Suicide

LGBTQ Survivors of Suicide - Center on Halsted

3656 N. Halsted

Chicago, IL 60661

Contact Person: Edmond Yomtoob

(773) 450-4434

edmond.yomtoob@psychologistchicago.com

Meetings per Month: One - Third Wednesday, 7:15-8:45 p.m.

Fee: No

 

Dixon

Name of Group: Touched by Suicide

Hospice of the Rock River Valley

R.R. #2

Dixon, IL

Survivors Gather

Contact Person: Diana Knapp

(815) 625-6277

Fee: No

Edgemont

Name of Group: Survivors of Suicide

Call for Help, Suicide & Crisis Intervention

9400 Lebanon Road

Edgemont, IL 62203

Contact Person: Pearl Campbell

(618) 397-0963

Meetings per Month: Two - First and Third Monday 6-8 p.m.

Fee: No

Freeport

Park Hills Evangelical Free Church

2525 West Stephenson Street

Freeport, IL 61032

Name of Group: Survivors Road 2 healing

Contact Person: Lynne Hofmaster

(815) 297-0037 or (815) 238-0141 (cell)

Meetings per Month: Two - Second and Fourth Tuesdays, 7 p.m.

Fee: No

House Survivors of Suicide Support Program

Serving families with children surviving the suicide of a loved one.

3330 Dundee Rd., Suite S1-S4

Northbrook, IL 60062

Contact Person: Suzanne Clarey

847-205-5666

suzanneclarey@willowhouse.org

Meetings per Month: Please call for information

(Website: www.willowhouse.org

Also provides 8-week support groups for adolescents and teens, monthly family support, and referral services.

Fee: No

Oak Brook

Name of Group: Compassionate Friends

The Compassionate Friends, Inc. (National Office)

P.O. Box 3696

Oak Brook, IL 60522-3696

Contact Person: Families can speak with anyone at the office

(877) 969-0010

Website: www.compassionatefriends.org

Meetings per Month: One (varies)

Please call toll free number for information on groups held throughout the country.

Fee: No

Rockford

Name of Group: Ray of Hope

Gloria Dei Lutheran Church

4100 Augustana Drive

Rockford, IL 61107

Contact Person: Karon Pfile, RN

(815) 636-4750

npfile@rockford.com

Meetings per Month: Two - Second and Fourth Thursdays from 7-9 p.m.

Fee: No

 

Remember Loves take everything One Breath, One Step, and One Day at a time.

Writing to evolve minds one word at a time.

Cherlnell Lane

For Little Girls Who Considered Suicide When The Silence Wasn't Enough

I had the pleasure of performing an original poem at She Speaks Volumes for the YWCA of Metropolitan Chicago on April 26, 2018. It was for #saam, sexual assault awareness month. It was an awesome experience. I touched, healed, and made so many people aware of what happens when young girls are violated. That's why I do my work, I want my work to change people way of thinking for generations. 

But for now, I would you like to share it with you. With no further ado, I present, "For Little Girls Who Considered Suicide When The Silence Was Not Enough" written and performed by Cherlnell Lane.

 

That's my piece, peace, and tell me what you think.

All my love, 

Cherlnell Lane

 
 
 
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